The Power of Pausing: Why Rules Aren’t Always the Answer in Parenting

One lesson I’ve learned over time is that the more rigid "rules" I create for how I interact with the world, the more I limit my own experiences. This became especially clear to me when I was working in youth ministry and serving in the city. My husband and I often took groups of people into town to help those in need, and during this time, I began to notice something important: people love to make rules about how to handle homelessness.

Some people would say, “I never give money to homeless people.” Their solution was always to offer food instead or buy them a meal. Others would say the opposite: “If someone asks for money, I always give it. If I have it, I’ll give it.”

On the surface, rules make life simpler. You don’t have to think—you just follow the rule. But what I realized is that by following rules so strictly, you miss out on the nuances of the human experience. When we make rules absolute, we lose intuition and intentionality.

I found that there were times when I could sense that giving money to someone would only feed an addiction or enable a deeper problem. At other times, I could tell that the person asking truly needed help, and my small act of giving could make a meaningful difference.

Yes, listening to your gut, being present in the moment, and taking the time to truly engage takes more effort. It’s not always convenient, and it’s not a “quick fix.” But I’ve found that those moments of intentionality are far more satisfying and often lead to better outcomes.

Parenting is the Same: Nuance Over Rules

The longer I parent, the more I realize that the same principle applies in raising children. Do I set boundaries? Of course. Do I have rules? Absolutely. Do I hold my kids accountable? Yes, without question. But I also recognize that my children are humans, each with their own nuances of needs, desires, and challenges.

Time changes. People change. And situations can differ from what I’ve experienced. As parents, sometimes it’s essential to pause, assess the situation, and listen to our children. It’s about reading their body language, being in tune with their energy, and making room for our gut feelings about what they need in that moment.

This takes intentionality and patience, but it can transform our relationships with our kids—and their experiences as they grow.

For example, some parents tell me, “I gave my child the puberty book, they read it, and now we’re done. We don’t need to talk about it again.” But the truth is, as children grow, so do their questions and their needs. Is your rule that “once is enough”? What if they need more support or information? What if they have deeper questions as they mature?

Breaking the Silence: How Parents Can Make a Real Impact

I also hear from parents who say, “I’ll never talk to my kids about sex because I don’t feel qualified. I didn’t do it right myself, so who am I to guide them?” But the reality is, you have a perspective and experience that can actually be valuable. You can help your child navigate these topics with wisdom, even if your own journey wasn’t perfect.

Being open to talking about difficult topics like sex, relationships, and growing up doesn’t mean you have all the answers. It means you’re creating a space for honest conversation, and that’s incredibly powerful. By pausing and considering how you approach these moments, you can shape your child’s life in ways you might not even realize.

Life is not cut-and-dried. Families and people are organic and nuanced. Sometimes, taking a moment to pause and consider if your rules are truly serving the situation can change the course of your child's life for the better.

How Can You Be More Intentional?

If you want to dive deeper into how to communicate with your child in ways that foster trust, understanding, and support as they navigate growing up, I invite you to check out my free masterclass, Preparing for the Talk. In this masterclass, you’ll gain a treasure trove of tools to help you listen actively, communicate deeply, and build a lasting connection with your child—through boundaries, discussions, and everyday moments.

The right conversation, at the right time, can truly change everything.